1st and 10 at Hillside and 37th

In honor of the final season of the Mid Central Activities Association, my 10th year fantasy football league has agreed to name all of its teams after MCAA schools this year. I’m the Sterling Black Bears. But don’t get too excited, gang – I haven’t made the playoffs since 2005.

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A member of our production crew asked me the other night to explain what a “cream puff” opponent is. I explained that this is another way of saying that they’re not very good (soft, easy to sink your teeth into). Northern Colorado is a cream puff. Oklahoma is a jawbreaker.

Then she asked a great follow up that got me thinking. “What would laffy taffy be?”

Hmmm. I guess that would be any team that – on the surface – looks like it would be soft. But once you bite into it, you realize they’re actually very tough. Like Boise State (before everyone realized they were actually legit).

So there you go. A new addition to football vernacular: A Laffy Taffy Opponent.

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Like most guys I don’t just drive from “A” to “B” – I try to do it as efficiently as possible. Anything I can do to cut 20 or 30 seconds off a route (without speeding, of course) is a must. By that token, any stoplight I come to tends to hinder that progress.

Driving from North to South and vice versa on Rock Road, I’ve had trips where I’ve managed to hit every single red light – even the cross walks. My record is 14 in a row. I’ve also had trips where I’ve managed to string 12 or 13 greens together (which is kind of like throwing a perfect game… you try not to think about it and you CERTAINLY don’t talk about the streak while it’s in progress).

Red lights annoy me to no end – especially when they’re triggered for no reason. But in an effort to avoid road rage, I recently invented a new game that makes dealing with them a little more fun. I call it “Stoplight Football.”

Every green light you pass through is a yard. Every red light is a tackle. You get four downs to pick up 10 green lights, just like in normal football. At least that’s the premise I started with, and it seemed to work.

Then it occurred to me that maybe turning right on red should be worth something. You weren’t technically stopped for it. If anything, you just JUKED a would-be tackler! Yeah!

Starting from the 20, you’d need 80 green lights to score a touchdown. The idea sounded great until I began considering the other logistics. What about a kicking game? How would one punt or kick off or try field goals? Maybe we’d be better off with a 50 yard field? Could we somehow incorporate passes to speed things up? What about driving on the interstate?

Ultimately the whole idea lost a lot of steam because it become too difficult to remember down and distance in my head – especially when resuming a game in progress at the start of a new car trip. It died completely when my wife threatened to never ride with me again if I didn’t stop announcing that it was “second and eight from 42” or asking if we should “go for it on fourth and two against 4:00 traffic?”

(Obviously – depending on field position – you would roll the dice any time between 10pm and sun-up. Rush hour is like the Ravens defense. Even trying to pick up one yard is a grind. Better kick it away and hope you can win the field position battle.)
Maybe she’s right. I watch enough football during the fall as is without bringing it into my daily commute.

Let me know if you can expand on my set of rules to make the game more efficient (particularly the special teams). If I get some good responses I may revisit this topic.

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Tonight is Hutch and Rockhurst. Kansas vs. Missouri power. I talked to a Hutch official this morning and they’re expecting it be a one-ring circus. It’s only 11am and I’m wondering if I should go ahead and leave now. I’m sure I won’t be the first one there.